dreams = risk + faith

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i stood outside of the office, switching between talking with my friend/former coworker and mom, borderline panic attack, talking on the phone, pacing back and forth and gasping for air as tears strolled down my face, not knowing what would be next for me. 

'i can't do this anymore, i think i have to walk away,' is all i remember saying. 

i knew i had to walk away, but it was terrifying - the thought of leaving a job i'd only had for a few months that wasn't working out. but i didn't have anything definite lined up. my mind was racing and i was shaking, wondering how i would pay for my rent,  how i'd be able to afford my livelihood. how i would be able to afford healthcare or go without. 

but i also knew i couldn't keep going the way i was - dealing with depression, fighting anxiety, skipping meals and only living on caffeine, crying hysterically on the way to work or on the way home. constantly stressed and feeling like i needed to give up my life in order to succeed in that position. i just felt overwhelmed all the time, fumbling through it all, never feeling like anyone was happy with the work i'd done. 

i'm thankful for the friends who stood by my side when i'd call in tears late in the evening, just needing someone to talk to. or meet up with. for my parents for being understanding. 

it was an incredibly hard decision because i was so excited about this new phase of my career. i'd always wanted to be an editor and work for a magazine full-time (though i'd freelanced for them prior). i brainstormed and wrote my lists of possible stories. i was so excited about the people i would meet, the restaurants and businesses we would visit. all of it. i was excited about the collaborative and creative process of it all. 

but, if there's one thing i've learned this year, it's that you have to take the risk and have faith that it will work out, in order to get to that next step and leave your comfort zone. i did that when i left the only job i'd ever known.

i'm so grateful for the experiences i had and the people i met during my time there, though it might have been short-lived. 

i truly believe that God coordinated every moment for me to work at Charizma Co., a branding management company. a dream i had, but didn't know how it could ever be a possibility. 

after interviewing rubi z, my now boss, for the magazine, she'd asked me what else i was working on and whether i could do some blogging for her.  this was back in early july, while i was still at the magazine. i tried to see what that would look like, but due to conflict of interest, it didn't look like it was going to work out. 

as things progressively felt worse, i reached out to rubi again and we talked about what that could look like. we had a couple conversations and i went down to her office a couple afternoons. the first time, we weren't really sure that it would work. i told her to keep me in mind for something in the future, and we said we'd be in touch. 

i thought and prayed a lot in the moments to come, not sure what i was going to do next. i'd had another meeting with a potential employer and started updating my resume and website with all the things. but, again, there was nothing definite. 

the next evening, rubi sent me a text and said she'd thought more about it and wanted to talk with me again. so i went back down to her office as we talked more about the thought process in the time that followed our first meeting. by the time i left, she offered me a job. we hugged and took a photo (of course) and that was that. i couldn't believe it. 

if i had never gone to the magazine, i don't know that i would have met rubi in the capacity that i did. we'd been social media friends for awhile, mutually admiring each other's work, but we'd never met in person. if i was still at my other job and had never taken the leap of faith, maybe i wouldn't be here now. 

in order to take yourself to the next level, to live the dreams that are in your heart (even the ones you don't realize are in your heart), you have to take that risk. and you have to have faith, that if God is asking you take that step, then you know He will catch you on the other side of whatever that looks like. 

i can honestly say that i am so content and happy with my life. i'm happy with the work i'm doing. the team i'm on. i am growing and challenging myself in a different kind of writing. it's a completely different culture, in the best way. i am also stepping more into who i am. that it's okay to be exactly as i am. 

i'm very excited for what's ahead and the journey i'm on. 

here's to new beginnings...take two. 

That's all for now, 

Shelby